Faith & Reflections

The Journey of Faith, Part 1: Doubt Isn’t the End

June 18, 2025

Real questions. Real grief. Still walking with God.

You don’t forget the moment your faith shakes.

Some people describe it like a quiet slipping. Others, like an explosion.

Mine felt like both.

In 2019, I sat inside my own skin and couldn’t recognize who I was anymore. My heart was broken. Grief came from all sides. I felt abandoned—not just by people, but by God. And when I tried to pray, all I heard was silence. The kind that deafens.

And yes, I doubted everything.

I Grew Up Knowing the Rules

I’m a pastor’s kid. I learned the verses, the stories, the prayers before I learned how to question them.

When I was a child, I once had a dream about a demon chastising me for believing in God. It was vivid. Terrifying. When I woke up, I told my parents: “I wish I was never born.”

They brought me to our sanctuary to pray.

I carried that memory for years. And it shaped how I saw doubt—not as a question, but as a sin.

In high school, I told a teacher about that childhood moment. He was horrified. “You doubted God?” he said. “That’s a mortal sin.”

So I stopped telling people.

Until my then-girlfriend—now my wife—entered the picture. Even then, I tiptoed. I didn’t want to lead her to doubt. I was still trying to protect my image of faith, even when I wasn’t sure I had it anymore.

Faith Breaks Differently for Everyone

Some people walk away from the church after a scandal. Others after a death. Some leave quietly. Others burn bridges.

Mine broke through grief and rejection.

When my own family dismissed my mental health struggles, I began to spiral. If I couldn’t even be seen by the people who taught me about God—what hope did I have that God saw me?

And then the silence.

God wasn’t responding. I’d cry, shout, plead. Nothing. It was like praying into a void. And my mind started asking the questions I feared:

If God is real, why is there so much suffering?
If He’s loving, why am I in pain?
If He’s listening, why can’t I hear Him?

The questions weren’t new. But this time, they weren’t philosophical. They were personal. Wounding.

When Doubt Becomes Trauma

I used to think these questions were just “intellectual challenges.” But I realized they were more than that. They were grief.

The weight in my chest when I’d think about the origins of everything—that wasn’t curiosity. That was heartbreak. The kind that’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it.

Even now, I remember lying down at night and thinking: What if it’s all fake? What if I believed something just because I was told to?

And that hurt. Because I didn’t want to let go. I just didn’t know how to keep holding on.

But Here’s What Changed

I still believe.

In fact, I think I believe better now. Not because my doubts went away, but because they made me ask harder questions.

I realized: God doesn’t flinch when I ask why.

That took years. And it’s still ongoing. But my faith today is not naive. It’s not performative. It’s not for approval. It’s mine. And it’s real.

I’m back at church now—beside my wife. I pray again, even when it’s awkward. I sing again, even when the lyrics feel too hopeful.

I sit on the fifth row of the pews and look up.

It’s still dark, sometimes.

But I can sense the light’s about to turn on.

Let’s Talk About These Lies We Were Told

There are things I used to believe that I don’t anymore.

Let me name a few, in case you’ve heard them too:

“Anxious people don’t trust God.”
“If you’re doubting, you’re backsliding.”
“God rewards unshaken, blind faith.”
“Depression is a spiritual failure.”

None of these are true.

And none of them come from a Gospel that saw Thomas reach out his hand to Jesus without being punished.

Faith isn’t about never asking. It’s about staying long enough to listen for the reply—even if it takes years.

Even if you’re not sure one will come.

Doubt as Worship

One video that stayed with me was from the YouTube channel Ready to Harvest. The creator, Joshua, once said: “Christians need a crisis of faith. Because you don’t know what’s truly yours until you’ve asked why you believe it.”

That hit me.

We often hear that God’s ways are higher than ours. But what if His ways also invite us to wrestle?

Isaiah 1:18 says,
“Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord…”

And in Matthew 11, Jesus says,
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

Not answers. Not a checklist.
Rest.

He invites us in our confusion, not just our confidence.

So If You’re Doubting…

You’re not broken.

You’re not sinful.

You’re not disqualified.

You’re thinking. You’re searching. You’re doing what humans are made to do.

And yes, some of us land back at the feet of Jesus. But even if you’re not there yet—keep walking.

Ask. Cry. Rage. Sit in silence.

And if you can’t pray, that’s okay.

Let someone else pray for you. Or with you. Or near you.

I’ll be here.

Reflection Questions

You don’t need to answer all of these. Just pick one. Or none. Or come back later.

When was the last time you questioned your beliefs?
What were you told about doubt growing up?
Is it possible that your doubt is part of your growth?
Who can you be honest with about your spiritual questions?
What would it mean to believe again—even with all your past?

Affiliate Disclosure: Some links in this post are affiliate links. If you click through and make a purchase, I may earn a small commission—at no extra cost to you. I only recommend resources that I personally find meaningful and trustworthy.

Coming Soon in the Series

When Church Hurts More Than It Heals
The Silence of God: What If He’s Not Speaking?
Faith and Mental Health: Can I Still Be Christian If I’m Depressed?
Deconstructing Without Losing Everything
When the Bible Makes You Angry
The Faith I Left Behind (and the One I Found Again)
What Happens If I Walk Away?